Bust a cap(saicin)

I had an uber-geek moment today. I'd eaten some veeeery spicy hot sauce, and wondered why it was that drinking milk never helped me soothe the burning sensation of spicy food -- at least during "Phase I."

We must never speak of "Phase II."

Ever.


Anyway, it's widely believed that milk does help, but it's never worked for me. So, I started wondering why. I had three thoughts, in rapid succession.

The first:
"I wonder if capsaicin is lipid-soluble."

The second:
"If it is, that would explain why milk never helps me, since I only buy non-fat milk."

The third:
"God, I am such a nerd."

Well, after further cementing my geek status by doing some research on the Internet, it turns out that I was right, on all three counts. Seriously, a search of my name on Dictionary.com gave me this definition:

n. Nerd.
See Blackwolf the DragonMaster.

Capsaicin is itself an oil, which makes it fat- and alcohol-soluble, but not water-soluble. Which is why milk (with fat) helps, or ice cream, or whatever. I guess theoretically, the best cure for eating something super-spicy would be sucking on a stick of butter.

Luckily for me, I also buy soy milk.

Mmmm.... bean fat.
(FDA warning: olestra, derived from soybean oil, causes anal leakage in all but the most waterproofed of rectal sphincters)

The phrase "anal leakage" makes me laugh. Is that so wrong?

As for the "veeeery spicy hot sauce" I ate that caused me to think the thoughts that tipped me over the edge into a long, dark future of snorting while I laugh, losing my retainers, and staying up late polishing my collector's edition Internet, Animation, and Technology Enthusiast Pocket Protectors, I thought it'd be a good idea to experiment with a hot sauce I make.

Now, I usually hate explaining my jokes, but:
"Wow, is that the new I-ATE-PP? That's wicked awesome!"

Snort, snort.


So, this sauce is usually made with Serrano chilis, which have a Scoville rating -- according to a wide variety of conflicting sources -- ranging from 5,000 to 22,000 Scoville heat units. I realize this is a useless statistic, so I'll just say they average around 14,000 Scovilles. Compare that with Jalapenos, which supposedly average around 3,500.

Today, just for kicks, and since I had a bunch of old ones in my fridge, I thought I'd try making it with Thai chilis. I had a mixed bag of green and red ones, and I've been cooking with them, so I know they're hot as all get-out.

For a numerical comparison, one source puts Thai chilis at a Scoville range of between 50,000 and 80,000 Scovilles. So that's an average of about 65,000, which puts them in the category of foods that cause, as it is known in the scientific community, "screaming, face-melting diarrhea."

Only to those untrained in the arts of culinary pain management, that is. I eat them on a fairly regular basis, and my face hasn't melted yet.

What I failed to realize, of course, was that when I cook with these things, I use one or two in a big pot of homemade ramen, or a whole dinners' worth of stir fry. Concentrated together in a sauce, they're quite a lot hotter than my palate is used to.

Ouch.

Still... it was damn good. I just might have to change my recipe.