Out of the way, I'm a motorist!

I've done a lot of driving in the last few days, and I am bound to do a lot more in the next few. From the experiences I've had on the road lately, and keeping in mind the mobile hours yet to come, I have compiled a few helpful tips for my fellow travellers of this great nation's freeways.

• The car in the lane next to you on the freeway is not your soul mate. Have you ever been walking down the street, and in front of you are three or four people abreast, taking their sweet time getting nowhere at all, while blocking the entire sidewalk so no-one can get by? It's no less annoying when you do it in a car. Unless you are passing or being passed, you're either driving too slow or you are in the wrong lane.
  
  
• You are driving too slow if any of the following apply to you.
• I am behind you.
• You are driving within 10 mph of the posted speed limit.
• You are in the far left lane.
• Anyone is passing you on the right.
• There is a three-mile-long train of cars behind you.
  
• More than one of the following fairly describe you:
  
• Old
• Chinese
• Female
• Driving any vehicle that could be justifiably characterized as a "shitbox."
• You have just been passed by an 18-wheeler, RV, horse trailer, or Lil' Rascal.
• There is still space between your accelerator and the floor mat.
• (That's the go-faster pedal)
• (The one on the right)
• (No, you press it DOWN)
• The highway patrol can catch you.
  
  
• Accidents, offramps, and roadside checks are not tourist attractions. Every time someone rubbernecks, an angel gets its wings... caught in a meat grinder.
  
  
• If the front of my car is visible in your rear view mirror, you need to merge right.
  
  
• If the back of my car is visible through your windshield, TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH BEAMS.
• Alternatively, if you are driving an SUV, industrial-sized pickup truck, or any other ludicrous vehicular indulgence of people with tiny brains and penile insecurities, choose any three of the following and perform them with all haste:
• Go F yourself.
• Go F yourself in the A.
  
• Get a reasonable car.
• Adjust your headlights so they point at the road, and not directly into my rear view mirror.
  
  
• Any 1996 Nissan Sentras should be treated as if they are emergency response vehicles with lights and sirens going full blast.
• Or an M-1 Abrams tank with an extremely reliable habit of blowing the crap out of your car if you don't get out of the way.
  
  
• If you drive an Excursion, Escalade, or Expedition, and I have to change lanes to pass you because I can't see anything because of the fat ass on your car, pull over to the side of the road immediately.
  
• Exit your vehicle.
  
• Remove your pants. They will come in handy later.
• Lie down in front of said vehicle.
• Recruit any individuals available to repeatedly drive over your genitals.
  
• Use aforementioned pants to staunch the flow of blood from your shattered reproductive organs. See? I'm not completely heartless.
  
• Remind any children you may have that this is what happens to people who drive unnecessarily gigantic cars to appease their own egos.
  
• Slap them around if they fail to get the point.
  
• Repeat every three miles until you purchase a car that isn't a hazard to your fellow motorists and a symbol of your wasteful decadence.
  
• People that I know and/or like are exempt from this rule. Still, get out of the way.

Oh yeah... and buckle up.